Jar of Life

Reach into the jar of buttons & pull out your destiny.

Published in: on November 11, 2010 at 4:49 am  Leave a Comment  


 The truck is humming along an old country road. We have both windows down all the way, letting the morning breeze brush our faces. All week it has been miserably hot and humid. But this is early morning and the breeze is cool and refreshing.

We have been driving for what seems like three days straight except that we stopped long enough to reach the hospital. Everything is so blurry. Hours upon hours of driving, and then only a few minutes. Doctors, rooms, nurses, charts, changing clothes, and a not so long discussion. I was handed a folder with everything that was being told to me but that I couldn’t quite understand in that moment. It looked like a manual to be read, almost.

The sun hasn’t risen yet, but it’s starting to get light. There are no other cars out. In fact there is nothing else out. I stare at Kyle as he drives. This is one of the few times I can’t see his thoughts. Or perhaps his are clear and it is mine that I cannot read. We had stopped at a hotel and slept for maybe 3 or 4 hours, but then we both woke up and decided to keep going.

I bring my legs up and curl in against the seat. He looks at me instead of the road for way too long for a driver to be doing. But he keeps looking. Looking into my eyes, into my mind, down to my heart and out towards my soul.


Or is it me who is searching?

I close my eyes and then the truck is stopped and Kyle is standing at my side with the door open. He pushes back a strand of hair that’s fallen in my face and gives me one of those smiles that’s like giving a cookie to a kid.

He helps me out of truck and loops an arm around my waist so I don’t fall. Things are hazy again. I know we’re walking very slowly. I can see us from a distance and at first I wonder who that girl is, but then I realize it’s me. That I am me, and I am in that body.

Kyle is holding me close. We’re sitting against a big tree with long branches that sway in the wind. I lean into him and feel his warmth, and the warmth of the rising sun as it shines upon us. It’s peaceful in this flatland. There is no sadness as long as love and light are glowing within you. My eyes shut and I let my heart wander around as it pleases. In my heart I am dancing like I haven’t lost any energy, and I’m smiling like I’ve never been hurt. Kyle gets softer and softer as if he’s melting. But I am melting too because it’s suddenly hot.

I wonder about this for a second. Perhaps we are chocolate that’s been put into an oven and now we’ve melted together. This amuses me and I let it play out in my mind until it dissolves into the clouds of dreamland. Surely Kyle will get a good laugh out of it.

I wake up very hot and very thirsty. The sun is high above me, beating down on my face, and I see that my skin is pink from the sun. Things look different but I don’t know why. I turn to Kyle but he isn’t there. My heart skips a beat, but then I realize that I’ve fallen asleep on a lounge chair outside on my deck. I feel displaced in time but I know that this is where I am supposed to be.

Everything that happened seems so real. It was real, or parts of it. Maybe none of it. There was a version of myself that could have been that girl, but that was so long ago how could it possibly be me? My mind is a haze and I’m trying to see through it. Dream and reality have mixed. I want to know, I’m trying, but I can’t separate anything.

What happened? I don’t know, but oh how I wish I could go back to that morning and find out.

Published in: on July 25, 2010 at 11:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Essence of Morning

Every day there is a morning. A spectacular miracle of the sun rising and casting light through a dark night. This is one of the best times to be out. There may be a runner or two, but no one else. A bird may chirp, but it’s often too early even for them.

Dew covers everything. It’s chilly out, but a cup of coffee can warm your hands. Your mind is at ease just knowing that soon the sun will be warming the earth.

Years from now when I am settled in my life, I will have a porch or a patio or a large garden where I will have a small round table with a chair or two. I will wake up early and sit there with my coffee. There I will think or plan or simply enjoy, for mornings are special in their own elusive way.

There is this essence, this lovely, unexplainable essence that can only be found in the morning, as the sun rises. The feeling that you are up when most people are asleep, and the sense that a fresh day is starting. A clean slate and so much time ahead of you in the day. It’s as if you–and only you– are being handed a gift. A large pair of old, weathered hands gently holding out the sun to you and saying, “For you, a new day. Spend it wisely.”

It is amazing. Mornings are. Something so beautiful.

…and to think that it happens every single day.

“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

Published in: on July 8, 2010 at 5:40 pm  Comments (1)