The truck is humming along an old country road. We have both windows down all the way, letting the morning breeze brush our faces. All week it has been miserably hot and humid. But this is early morning and the breeze is cool and refreshing.

We have been driving for what seems like three days straight except that we stopped long enough to reach the hospital. Everything is so blurry. Hours upon hours of driving, and then only a few minutes. Doctors, rooms, nurses, charts, changing clothes, and a not so long discussion. I was handed a folder with everything that was being told to me but that I couldn’t quite understand in that moment. It looked like a manual to be read, almost.

The sun hasn’t risen yet, but it’s starting to get light. There are no other cars out. In fact there is nothing else out. I stare at Kyle as he drives. This is one of the few times I can’t see his thoughts. Or perhaps his are clear and it is mine that I cannot read. We had stopped at a hotel and slept for maybe 3 or 4 hours, but then we both woke up and decided to keep going.

I bring my legs up and curl in against the seat. He looks at me instead of the road for way too long for a driver to be doing. But he keeps looking. Looking into my eyes, into my mind, down to my heart and out towards my soul.


Or is it me who is searching?

I close my eyes and then the truck is stopped and Kyle is standing at my side with the door open. He pushes back a strand of hair that’s fallen in my face and gives me one of those smiles that’s like giving a cookie to a kid.

He helps me out of truck and loops an arm around my waist so I don’t fall. Things are hazy again. I know we’re walking very slowly. I can see us from a distance and at first I wonder who that girl is, but then I realize it’s me. That I am me, and I am in that body.

Kyle is holding me close. We’re sitting against a big tree with long branches that sway in the wind. I lean into him and feel his warmth, and the warmth of the rising sun as it shines upon us. It’s peaceful in this flatland. There is no sadness as long as love and light are glowing within you. My eyes shut and I let my heart wander around as it pleases. In my heart I am dancing like I haven’t lost any energy, and I’m smiling like I’ve never been hurt. Kyle gets softer and softer as if he’s melting. But I am melting too because it’s suddenly hot.

I wonder about this for a second. Perhaps we are chocolate that’s been put into an oven and now we’ve melted together. This amuses me and I let it play out in my mind until it dissolves into the clouds of dreamland. Surely Kyle will get a good laugh out of it.

I wake up very hot and very thirsty. The sun is high above me, beating down on my face, and I see that my skin is pink from the sun. Things look different but I don’t know why. I turn to Kyle but he isn’t there. My heart skips a beat, but then I realize that I’ve fallen asleep on a lounge chair outside on my deck. I feel displaced in time but I know that this is where I am supposed to be.

Everything that happened seems so real. It was real, or parts of it. Maybe none of it. There was a version of myself that could have been that girl, but that was so long ago how could it possibly be me? My mind is a haze and I’m trying to see through it. Dream and reality have mixed. I want to know, I’m trying, but I can’t separate anything.

What happened? I don’t know, but oh how I wish I could go back to that morning and find out.

Published in: on July 25, 2010 at 11:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

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